A new report from the Department of Health has confirmed that there are more women addicted to prosecco in the United Kingdom than heroin, with the more serious addicts displaying similar symptoms.

Dr Nigel Clange told Southend News Network that recent cases of women in nightclubs literally bludgeoning each other to death over the last bottle of fizz in stock prove that it is time for the government to take action.

He said, ‘Just spend five minutes on Facebook and you will see at least thirty different women talking about this fizzy sugar piss-fest like they will literally cease to function if they don’t have ‘drinkies with their girlies on Friday because just because #onit #offit #onandoffitsomehow.’

‘There was a branch of Aldi in Southend that had a promotion a little while ago offering bottles for £2.99 each and it was like a scene from The Walking Dead in there.’

‘In the end, the assistant manager had to pick up a pair of part-baked baguettes and harpoon eight of them to restore order.’

Michelle Garridge agreed to speak to us about her battle against addiction – she had only managed to beat her Bacardi Breezer dependency for good in 2007.

She said, ‘I only realised a few months ago that prosecco can also be inhaled if you know what you are doing.’

‘In my area, there are now gangs selling wraps of pure uncut prosecco for twenty quid each – it comes in the form of a gel that you rub onto your gums.’

‘After my last hit, my friends told me that I didn’t stop singing Little Mix for nine days straight.’

If you’ve been affected by the issues mentioned in this article, you might want to try gin instead. Facebook pricks can’t stop banging on about that either.