A government spokesperson has confirmed that members of the public should purchase copies of The Sun to wipe their arses if panic buying results in local toilet roll stocks running out.
The announcement came after supermarkets all over the country started to run out of the product due to panic buying over Coronavirus fears.
He said, ‘Even though Coronavirus won’t give you the raging shits, everyone seems to be buying it for some reason.’
‘Therefore, many people have now reported that their local supermarket shelves are bare, and so in this situation we would like to remind the public of Standing Order 324(b) of Her Majesty’s Emergency Act 1999.’
‘It clearly states that The Sun is the country’s Designated Shitrag In Time’s Of Andrex Depletion.’
‘If you are fortunate enough to still have toilet paper at home, we would like to remind you that three sheets will be more than enough to handle the majority of peristalsis situations – just remember ‘up, down, polish.’
Michelle Garridge, a mum of three from Southend, spoke to our Chief Reporter shortly after dispatching a bum biscuit with the help of Dear Deirdre.
She said, ‘I was tempted to use Take A Break at first, but the ‘thrifty tips’ page where they pour Zoflora onto teabags to extend their working life isn’t absorbent enough to handle a full ‘Code Brown.’