In a rare live announcement, Her Majesty The Queen has declared, ‘I’m In Charge Now, You Mop-Headed, Cockwombling Lying, Bellend.’

It is thought that the monarch was referring to a teeny, weeny, little white lie that the Prime Minister Boris Johnson told her when he was explaining why Parliament should be prorogued.

She added, ‘I asked him why he wanted to shut down Parliament, and he told me that a nine foot-long rat had been spotted in one of the ladies toilets.’

‘He told me that it had four eyes that shot out laser beams, claws as long as Excalibur and five arses.’

‘In any case, he can fucking do one now. I’m in charge.’