Addressing both Houses of Parliament today for her Queen’s Speech, Queen Elizabeth II wore a hat ‘depicting the EU flag’ to announce that she has CANCELLED BREXIT. 

The EU flag hat was designed by the famous floral headgear guru Sasha Distello, replacing the stars with yellow flowers.

Her Majesty said: ‘It has become apparent in the last few months that our government has made a total cock and balls of Brexit, and I’ve had enough.’

‘All people want to do this day is whinge off on Facebook about ‘hard this’ and ‘soft that’ – it’s like watching some sort of porno.’

‘I voted for Brexit personally, as you may have already read in The Sun, but I honestly thought that we would just wake up one morning and say ‘bye bye’ – nobody mentioned anything about negotiations.’

‘The ‘divorce bill’ alone is almost as much as my annual Courvoisier budget. Bugger that for a game of soldiers, especially the ones with big black bushy hats on.’

‘I have just submitted article 57b to the European Union – the document that you send in when you decide to leave the EU and then realise that it’s all a total ball ache.’

‘How can I trust this government to organise Brexit when they can’t even organise a bloody government?’

‘May hadn’t even given me a draft speech by 2am this morning so I had to write my own – she literally chucked it in my hand after I arrived just now.’

‘It’s a shame really as my version had a cracking joke about the Chinese.’