A spokesperson for the Home Office has confirmed that Rastamouse has been deported from the United Kingdom.
For the last three years, he has been carrying out investigative work for the Metropolitan Police alongside his existing television commitments, but it emerged last week that a ‘lack of paperwork’ has left him unable to prove his British citizenship.
A press officer for the Home Secretary Sajid Javid David added, ‘He had photographic evidence and shipping documents to show that his grandfather Pastamouse arrived in the United Kingdom in 1949.’
‘However, under new government guidelines we also require an affidavit signed in triplicate by witnesses to the arrival, DNA samples from all great-great-great-great-great grandparents and a portrait of their National Insurance card made using a mixture of blood and the left hind leg hair from the Lesser-Spotted Peruvian Nesting Goat – this is one of the rarest species of mammal known to man.’
‘The Home Office has very strict guidelines about this sort of thing. Anyone who sounds like they could be a cricket commentator or that bloke who was in Love Thy Neighbour and Eastenders will be subject to the new stringent checks.’
When questioned about the case in Parliament, the Prime Minister said that ‘mistakes have been made.’
Theresa May added, ‘Although you may have been contributing to the United Kingdom massively on both a financial and a social level for more than half a century, the simple truth is that you could be anyone.’
‘Jamaica is lovely and hot anyway. Me and Philip went to Sandals a few years ago and the seafood was to die for. Like totally.’