A spokesperson for the RNLI has encouraged people who think that they are going to drown to carry their British passport with them so that they can check whether or not to save them on a callout.
Nathaniel Splish told us that the new advice would address the anger expressed by many at the news that 2% of all RNLI donations every year are being used to help ‘forrins.’
He added, ‘Our procedure when attending a callout will now be adjusted accordingly.’
‘As soon as one of our crews arrive at the scene of a possible drowning, anyone in the water will be asked to present documentation confirming that they are British, before being asked to recite the first verse and chorus of Jerusalem and swear allegiance to Her Majesty The Queen.’
‘Once our crew are satisfied that the victim didn’t originally arrive in the United Kingdom floating on the back of an IKEA wardrobe door, they will be pulled to safety.’
David Fuckknuckle was one of the many Facebook users who complained about the RNLI’s foreign assistance spending over the weekend, and he told us that it was ‘an outrage.’
He added, ‘It’s not just the lifeboat people what are doing this.’
‘I was watching Paw Patrol with my kids the other day and they went to rescue this French professor geezer out at sea.’
‘How dare they use our taxes in this manner. This is why I voted Leave.’
In the event that you are not a swivel-eyed, bigoted wankpuffin and would like to support the RNLI’s vital work in Britain and the relatively insignificant proportion of their budget that goes towards saving lives at sea in ‘partner projects,’ regardless of where they fucking come from, please click here.