TV’s favourite hard man Ross Kemp has announced that his next show will involve spending three nights at Pontins.

The ex-Eastenders star has revealed that he is ‘relishing’ the challenge ahead of him, spending time with people who would ‘put the shits’ up South America’s most notorious drug lords and gangland enforcers.

A source said, ‘Three minutes after he arrives at their site at Frenulum Sands in Dorset, he accidentally walks into a 54-stone bloke from Scarborough, and the resulting ricochet sees him fly 20 metres through the air into the amusement arcade.’

‘However, as soon as he regains consciousness, he realises that he is stuck to the carpet, and a group of children soon gather on top of him to shove 2p’s into the coin pusher while their parents sit in the ‘showbar’ and consume alcohol until they can’t feel feelings anymore.’

‘After a while, he finally manages to find his one-bedroom studio apartment, where he is greeted by an ensemble that includes a rancor, the kraken and the guy from the end of Inspector Gadget who sat there stroking his cat.’

‘It’s clear that the place hasn’t been cleaned in days as a six week old half-drunk cup of tea tells him to ‘go fuck himself’ before kicking him in the bollocks.’

‘The final insult comes at 3am when he is woken up by a young couple having an argument who look like they have stood in front of a branch of Sports Direct that has projectile vomited.’

‘She somehow manages to use a quadruple negative in one sentence because apparently she caught him talking to some bird at bingo, and before he can offer an explanation she garrottes him with a rolled-up pair of Lonsdale tracksuit bottoms.’