A spokesperson for the Department of Education has confirmed that rules and laws regarding teachers entering relationships with their pupils are going to be relaxed if a tribunal rules that the female teacher rates as ‘fit as f**k’ or higher.

Sources within the DfE have said that the move has come about after reading feedback from members of the public whenever a teacher-pupil relationship story is in the press.

One said, ‘We read the Facebook comments whenever a pretty female teacher is arrested for having a sexual relationship with a male pupil, and the majority of comments are along the lines of ‘Wow where were teachers like this when I was at school’ or ‘Silly bastard should have kept his mouth shut.’

‘Therefore, from the start of the new academic year, any member 0f staff who is found to have entered such a relationship will appear in front of a dedicated tribunal in Nottingham, where a panel of five men will apply a rating from 1 to 10 – ‘1’ being ‘Not With A Barge Pole’ and ’10’ being ‘When You Put Your Face Between Her Jugs And Make Wibble-Wibble Noises.’

‘Anyone scoring higher than ‘fit as f**k,’ or ‘8’ will be allowed to resume their teaching duties immediately, and the pupil concerned will be issued with a certificate of achievement and a letter of congratulations signed by every man in Britain.’

‘7,’ or ‘Your Mate’s Hot Mum Making An Effort Again After Her Divorce,’ will result in a verbal warning.

We asked for further information about how the law will be applied when it is a male teacher knocking off a female pupil.

He said, ‘Any male teacher found guilty of this will continue to be struck off, with their testicles removed with a rusty breadknife and their image placed onto the International Register of Noncery.’

‘The filthy bastard scum.’