It has emerged that the Mayor of London is somehow to blame for everything, everywhere, ever, with particular attention being paid to things that have gone wrong outside of the confines of the M25 motorway.
According to reports, his position technically includes jurisdiction for the entirety of the United Kingdom, as opposed to the city that is explicitly named in his title.
One source said, ‘London is a violent, no-go area that is more Wild West than Shepherds Bush these days. Khan should be ashamed of himself.’
‘Although some idiots may say that Tory-led cuts to policing across the board are to blame, surely someone in Khan’s position should be able to magically create resources out of nothing.’
‘Of course we can’t say anything to him about it as it would be Islamophobic, so here’s a meme instead.’
Questions have also been asked about why he is leading calls for a second referendum on the final Brexit deal.
Our source added, ‘This man is against democracy at every single turn.’
‘A clear majority of Londoners voted to remain in the European Union, and a clear majority of Londoners voted him into office.’
‘How dare he exercise his right to act upon the democratically expressed wishes of his electorate like this. The man wants locking up.’