In an angry press conference tonight, Father Christmas confirmed that every house with the words ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ on its living room wall will be getting fuck all for Christmas.
He said, ‘If you all want to lose your tenancy deposit with this vinyl shit then fine, that’s your business.’
‘However, if you expect me to put up with looking at this bollocks while sipping on a sherry, you can all get to fuck.’
‘What’s the alternative anyway Karen? Die, Frown, Hate?’
At this stage, a journalist asked Santa for his position on inspirational wall canvases showing a barefoot person walking on a beach accompanied by a phrase that is entirely unlinked to the concept of a barefoot person walking on a beach.
Rudolph jumped in at this point and said, ‘Santa already gave Rudolph the 212. I’m gonna take a wicked shit before I torch that motherfucker to the ground.’
‘Same goes for any pimp ass bitch who leaves so-called reindeer food outside. You ever seen a mammal eat glitter and oats, god damn motherfucking sparkly Ready Brek?’
‘Ain’t nobody got time for that.’