A Primary School in Essex has banned all Valentine’s Day cards after a four-year-old child wrote to his teacher and told her that he would ‘plough her into next week.’

Governors at Sally’s Mound Primary Academy in Great Winkering have promised that there will be a thorough investigation into the incident.

One source within the school said, ‘We originally set up the Valentine’s card exercise as part of the creative writing syllabus, but we had no idea that some of the children would find sexually suggestive rhymes on the Internet.’

‘One of the teachers alerted the head when she got a card that said, ‘Roses are red, your eyebrows are fleek, come to mine after school, will plough you into next week.’

‘On the plus side, the spelling and handwriting were impeccable – definitely the work of someone above and beyond their expected level in Early Years.’

The pupil in question has been suspended while the school establishes exactly what happened, and his father spoke to us anonymously to say that he was ‘disgusted’ with the school.

He said, ‘I admit that he must have got hold of his mum’s phone and read some of the texts on there, but to be fair the teacher doesn’t exactly discourage this sort of behaviour with her immaculate complexion and skirts resting two inches below the knee.’

‘She always has a queue fifty feet long at parents evening.’

A statement from the school confirmed that all female members of staff have been ordered to wear tracksuit bottoms and ponchos until the Summer months.