Scientists have discovered that you’re 100% immune to Covid-19 if you wear anything made by Lonsdale.

Shortly after the announcement was made in a joint statement between Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance, long queues formed outside branches of Sports Direct all over the United Kingdom.

Michelle Garridge was frantically trying to get into their Southend store with her children BeePee and Texaco, and she told us that she was on her way back from a protest against statues of slave traders when she heard the news.

She said, ‘It’s time to stop glorifying slavery in this manner, and so to take my mind off of it I have decided to come here and get a pair of trainers for £8.’

‘I’ve always thought that Bangladeshi stitching craftsmanship is amongst the best in the world.’

According to government sources however, employees in the NHS and care sectors may only be issued with Slazenger PPE in order to cut costs – it is well-documented that their only product to offer 100% protection against both Covid-19 and the opposite sex is Slazenger Sport deodorant.

This shocking development is welcome news for the retailer that is still reeling from an incident last year when a Sports Direct mug of tea was knocked over and the resulting floods killed 50,000 people and made millions homeless.