Scientists at the University of Canvey Island have discovered an inverse relationship between the number of kids that you have and how much of a fucking parenting expert you are.

According to the study that was led by Professor Weigh Roscommon, it was discovered that an individual’s peak level of parenting expertise is reached when they have no children whatsoever because they enjoy having ‘drinkies with my girlies’ on Friday nights too much and still have three seasons of Friends to get through before even considering procreation.

Mariella Sanctimo doesn’t have any children of her own as of yet, but she told us that she is available for impromptu parenting consultations whenever she visits her local Sainsbury’s and you have your own little bundles of joy in tow.

She added, ‘Everyone thinks that you need to actually have children to obtain some kind of meaningful insight into the life of a parent, but you would be amazed at what I can observe and pick up while spending forty minutes deliberating about the different types of brie on offer.’

‘Just last week, a clearly autistic child was having a total meltdown in the cereal aisle, and so I walked over to his distraught mother and asked if she wanted any input from myself.’

‘When she refused and told me to ‘go fuck myself,’ I just took that as a clear cry for help and took it upon myself to pat him on the head and say, ‘There, there, no need to scream and shout. You’re indoors you know.’

‘They should give me a diploma or damehood or something.’