Scientists at the University of Leigh On Sea have invented what they are claiming to be the World’s first-ever vegan blowjob.

According to the project’s creator Professor Valerie Fange, their breakthrough will mean that couples will be able to enjoy vegan-friendly fellatio after the man in the relationship has undergone a brief, ‘mainly painless’ procedure on his testicles.

‘Professor Fange added, ‘A micro-tank is inserted into the man’s scrotal tubing area, and a filter is then installed between the testicles and this tank – it can be switched on and off using an iPhone app via Bluetooth.’

‘All sperm that are produced are diverted into the micro-tank for safe keeping during periods of oral sexual activity, and then when the couple are trying to conceive the forbidden, meat-filled sperm can be instantly redirected into the main stream of ectoplasm.’

‘I invented this revolutionary new system after we heard a harrowing tale of one vegan human rights activist from Essex who was left feeling distraught after giving her partner a ‘mouth party’ in 2016.’

‘A research paper showed that she was unable to make a decision between spitting and swallowing, as while the former would have led to the untimely demise of millions of spermatozoa, the latter would have been as bad as a bacon sandwich.’

Leigh On Sea vegan mum Penelope Urethro-Jones said, ‘It’s time that we stopped colloquially referring to penises using meat-related terms.’

‘It’s 2018, and it is simply unacceptable to refer to ‘hiding the sausage’ unless there is a clear idea that it could be made entirely of soya.’