A spokesperson for Greater Anglia has confirmed that this morning’s severe disruption on the line was caused by a franchise that overran at Liverpool Street.

Head of Customer Engagement Nathan Barely said: ‘We would like to apologise for any inconvenience and delays this morning, but the circumstances were beyond our control.’

‘Our franchise was supposed to have been cancelled years ago when everyone realised what an absolute shower of shite we are, but unforeseen complications have led to this arrangement carrying on like some sort of self-perpetuating cycle of doom.’

‘We have had some issues with engineering works as well and scheduling, but that’s not our fault.’

’One of our trains was too heavy and the tracks in Liverpool Street couldn’t cope.’

‘Nasty people in orange jackets keep turning up with the wrong type of spanner. Every time we complain they just laugh at us and tell us that nobody else knows how to use an angle grinder.’

‘By the way, while we have your attention, we’re sticking fares up soon. LOLs.’

In another development, it has emerged that revolutionary plans are in place for this weekend to run bus replacement trains between Shenfield and Southend Victoria.

A spokesperson said, ‘While we have invested a significant amount of time and money into developing one of South Essex’s most picturesque bus routes, one of our engineers discovered a direct rail link a few nights ago that goes straight through convenient locations in Wickford, Rayleigh and even Rochford.’

’We feel that this is the future of our service.’