It has been revealed today that talks are underway between two shit supermarkets with a view to a merger that will result in one really big shit supermarket.

However, shoppers in Sainsbury’s have expressed concerns about having to mix with people who shop in ASDA, in spite of the fact that most of them are universally despised by everyone who shops in Waitrose.

Marjorie Frenulum is a regular Sainsbury’s shopper, and she told Southend News Network that the merger may force her to take up right-wing views, learn how to pronounce quinoa properly and make the leap to Waitrose.

She added, ‘To be honest, I would gladly pay 15% more for my shopping just to get away from that god-awful Red Nose Day business all the bloody time, and having to mix with Shanell and Darryl from the estate would be the last straw.’

‘Apparently they chuck in a free copy of the Daily Mail when you spend a tenner as well, and I hear that it’s not just about immigrants – there’s loads of stuff about how to keep my lady bits in tip-top condition as well.’

An emergency summit was called between bosses of Aldi and Lidl at a neutral location to discuss the threat.

A source who was present at the meeting said that they decided to combat the new mega-supermarket by agreeing to fix the price of chunky ham at £1.65 for the next 20 years, a move that could contravene six different rules within the Geneva Convention.

He added, ‘We are both planning to move into the Halal and Kosher meat markets to win new customers by launching Haladi and Yidl respectively.’