Public health representatives on Canvey Island have promised an immediate investigation after only 40% of their residents completed last weekend’s Parkrun. 

A witness said, ‘Many of them started wheezing before the starting gun had been fired.’

‘Then it emerged that they don’t even use a starting gun and someone was holding up the Post Office.’

’Those who did make it to the end weren’t even able to post wanky status updates as their smartphones had all been nicked.’

’I guess all their friends will have to wait until they see them in person to hear how they ‘smashed it.’