A spokesperson for the government’s Knighthood Removal Committee has confirmed that Sir Philip Green is to be stripped of his knighthood after the former owner of the collapsed retailer BHS failed an ATOS Knighthood Retention Assessment. 

Jeremy Ladle MP said: ‘As head of the government’s KRC, it is my duty to inform the public that Sir Philip Green will have his knighthood removed after he failed to score the required 12 points in his ATOS Knighthood Retention Assessment.’

‘Under current legislation, all Sirs and Dames in the UK are required to undergo this updated and outsourced annual assessment to ensure that our honours are being handed out and maintained in the most cost-effective manner.’

‘At the beginning of the assessment, Sir Philip was unable to walk the required three metres without stripping any assets from the assessment room around him – he admitted that he had his eye on a particularly nice vase on the shelf.’

‘After this, he was asked to perform the standard task of buttoning a shirt without selling a prestigious British high street retailer for £1 to someone who has been bankrupt three times.’

‘He managed to reach the penultimate button before trying to offload one of the more troubled sectors of the Arcadia Group to the ATOS assessor.’

‘The assessment was stopped when he failed to stack three cups on top of each other without buying a bazillion pound yacht and destroying the pensions of thousands of what could be described as ‘normal people’ – however he is permitted to appeal this decision and get his knighthood reinstated.’

We contacted ATOS for more details about how the appeals process works when a knighthood is revoked. 

A spokesperson said: ‘A brief 92-page form must be completed by the individual who is appealing, and if their appeal application is approved a face-to-face hearing is arranged either in one of our contact centres or on our luxury yacht moored in Monte Carlo.’