In an EXCLUSIVE interview with Southend News Network, West Ham manager Slaven Bilic has confirmed that he will shortly begin construction of a wall to try and combat the influx of opposition attackers in recent weeks. 

He said: ‘I want to make West Ham great again, and I simply cannot do this if opposition strikers are allowed to walk into our penalty area unchallenged.’

‘Losing 5-1 at home to Arsenal and 5-0 at home to Man City has made me realise that we need to keep these people out.’

‘The 20ft-high wall will run from one touchline to the other, in line with the edge of the penalty area.’

‘We tried to get the cost split 19-ways between all of the other Premier League clubs and they told us to f**k off. Luckily Newham Council have agreed to build it and then lease it back to us because legacy.’

We asked Slaven Bilic if the wall would be moveable to allow West Ham to attack in the other half of the match. 

He said: ‘The wall will be fully retractable, as long as the referee allows 15 days for half-time.’

‘If Jose Mourinho can park a bus across his own goalmouth, there is no reason why we cannot erect a concrete structure.’

‘It will be the best signing of the transfer window. Did you see Ogbonna and Reid last night. Jesus Christ …’

Our Newsdesk contacted the authorities for exact financial details about the wall and the associated construction costs, but we were told that the documents have been sealed in a big shiny metal box with the words ‘TOP SECRET, BUGGER OFF’ printed on it.