As we approach the end of December, many people take the opportunity to post ‘New Year, New Me’ on Facebook and then proceed to reel off a list of all the things that they are going to fuck off by January 4th or sooner.
Being forced to read this self-obsessed, navel-gazing thundershite can lead many people to carrying out extreme acts of violence, such as tracking these arseholes down in the real world and punching them right in the face – however, is it legal? The answer may surprise you.
The ‘Oh Just Fuck Off Karen, Will You?’ Act of Parliament came into law in 2017, and it clearly states that short, sharp acts of violence in these circumstances are perfectly legal if you can prove in a court of law that not doing so would allow these feelings to build up inside of you to the point where you would consider carrying out mass genocide.
In January 2019, 32-year-old Barry Smith from Southend On Sea was arrested after his mother’s friend Karen Karenson, 58, took to her Facebook wall and said, ‘New Year, New Me. No more trying to be all the things that everyone wants me to be anymore. Can’t really say any more on here but you know who you are, and if you don’t know who you are then this isn’t aimed at you, or Sharon from the Conservative Club.’
Upon reading this, Mr Smith immediately rushed around to Mrs Karenson’s Leigh On Sea home, rang the doorbell, and smashed her face in with a terracotta ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ garden feature. He was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with an inspirational ornament.
When the case reached Southend Crown Court in March, Mr Smith represented himself, and pointed out that had someone stopped him from carrying out the comparatively minor attack, it was highly likely that he would ended up detonating a nuclear device at a scout jamboree just to satisfy his feelings of bloodlust.
A court psychologist argued that there may some truth to Mr Smith’s defence, and to prove his point an A2 card printout of Mrs Karenson’s status update was placed in front of the jury. Within eleven seconds, eight of the jurors were involved in a Battle Royale that saw five of them hospitalised, with another being charged with contempt of court after he successfully gouged out his own eyes with the judge’s gavel.
As a result of the jury losing control in this manner, the case was thrown out of court, and the CPS decided to prosecute Mrs Karenson for ‘shitposting with the intention to incite violence through the medium of ambiguity’ – a criminal offence that was formally added to the UK Legal Statute Book just a few months ago.
She will now serve a twenty-year sentence, with the further five-year release on licence under the condition that she doesn’t come within ten miles of a smartphone.