A smug bastard who makes a point of telling the whole world that he is avoiding plastic straws has also revealed that he drives a six-litre Range Rover.

Leviathan Montrose-Nash, a delicatessen owner from Leigh On Sea, told Southend News Network that although his stripped down Panzer tank is having a ‘higher than average’ impact upon the ozone layer, he is more than offsetting this by ditching the plastic straw that comes with his weekly kale, pomegranate and ostrich smoothie.

He added, ‘To be fair there are probably a number of other lifestyle changes that I could be making to lessen the burden on Mother Earth, but plastic straw evasion will probably give me the highest chance of banging this hipster bird who owns the teapot renovation shop next door.’

‘I am very much aware of my own level of awareness when it comes to such matters.’

‘My deli’s own signature beans on toast is just £21.95, and I can personally guarantee that at least 1% of the baked beans that are used have come from a dolphin-free baked beanery.’