Why are there so many modern mummies who are fascinated with giving themselves bloody dog ears or all manner of other animal facial features on their mobiles?

I am sick and tired of going to soft play centres and seeing mummy after mummy transfixed on their five inches of glass and metal, pouting with a face like a duck’s arse, and then spending half an hour experimenting with different cartoon-like filters while their own kids run riot and make everyone else’s life a living misery.

‘Oh sorry I can’t ensure that my child isn’t knocking seven shades of shite out of someone at the top of the slide – I really have to make sure that the seventeenth selfie of the day of me looking oh so cute with enlarged eyes and twinkly twinkles all over looks fit enough to get a few likes from blokes on my Facebook that probably wouldn’t have a chance anyway.’

When your grandchildren look back at the family album in years to come, none of them are going to have the foggiest idea what you really looked like as the only record of your existence will be screenshots of Snapchat that look like you were brought up in a branch of Pets At Home.

Even if you are using them in some sort of mating ritual, do you really want your potential match to be wondering whether he should be taking you for a date at Café Rouge or nice walkies for a sh*t?

Your local soft play centre isn’t a sodding crèche – you don’t discharge all parental responsibility the moment you walk through the front door.

Just because they have free WiFi doesn’t mean that you can take the piss – the next mummy I see trying to pull this stunt while their DS or DD runs riot will have their mobile shoved right down their piehole.