A spokesperson for Southend Borough Council has confirmed that a state of emergency has been declared after intelligence was received about visitors threatening to ‘spend money’ on the town’s seafront. 

Under the emergency provisions,  special enforcement officers from a private security company armed with light artillery are currently patrolling the area ready to deal with anyone who is suspected to be in possession of £10 and £20 notes.

Councillor for Tourism Elaine Spackton said, ‘A bike was pulled over by an armed response unit at Kent Elms Corner this morning.’

’After the occupant was dragged off and handcuffed, a search of the driver revealed that he had £60 in cash, and so one officer pointed a machine gun at his head and screamed, ‘What the fuck is this. You’ve got some explaining to do sunshine!’

’After he explained that he intended to treat himself to a day at the seaside and plough that £60 into the local economy, much to the delight of the rate-paying businesses who are getting ‘done up the rear’ in the local area, he was promptly executed on the spot and his corpse was hung from the newly constructed footbridge over the Southend-bound carriageway to serve as an ISIS-style warning to anyone else who is considering such a heinous and disgusting act.’

Councillor Spackton paused at this point as an aircraft was flying overhead.

After panicking that someone had restarted the airshow, she said, ‘Oh it’s fine. It’s just an EasyJet flight heading towards our dearly beloved airport.’

’Visit Southend!’

We asked Councillor Spackton about the injunction that had been taken out against bikers visiting the town.

She said, ‘It was over Christmas, and a group of us had just finished watching a film called Attack Of The Killer Alien Motorbikes From Mars.’

’The riders are more than welcome, it’s just the bikes we don’t want.’

’They are all more than welcome to put on their leathers and stand on the seafront making ‘vroom vroom noises.’