In a Southend News Network EXCLUSIVE, we can finally reveal why it seems that the other 95 sodding percent of the county has snow and Southend doesn’t – a last-minute court injunction was taken out by Southend Borough Council on Friday to prevent ‘more than 1mm’ of snow falling in the borough. According to public records from the Southend Legal Office, it appears that there is an entry marked ‘Southend Borough Council Vs Snow,’ and a senior judge granted the injunction after hearing representations from both the council and the regional cloud committee.

We have obtained transcripts from the hearing, and Philbert Wallop QC, representing Southend Borough Council, stated that his client would have to spend ‘a small fortune’ to keep Southend homes and businesses safe in the event of wintry conditions. Mr Wallop concluded his legal arguments by saying that ‘robbing the joy of playing in the snow from local children is a small price to pay, seeing that the majority of the local motoring community have enough difficulty driving safely without snow and ice on the roads.’

Desmond Flake QC, representing East Anglia Snow and Sleet Inc, then stepped up to make the case for his organisation being able to dump ‘a reasonable amount of snow’ on the borough of Southend On Sea to ‘ensure that the town can experience the same sheer feelings of happiness that are currently being enjoyed elsewhere.’ However, shortly after returning to the bench, Mr Wallop presented an anonymous witness who claimed that even a small amount of snow would lead to a further 18 months of lane closures at Kent Elms Corner due to the ‘wrong type of tarmac’ being laid.

Once all arguments had concluded, Lord Justice Majesty Sir Reverend Hugo Quaver JP ruled in favour of Southend Borough Council, and in linked proceedings also ruled that East Anglia Snow and Sleet Inc is liable for £250m in damages to compensate the local authorities for the costs of dealing with every period of heavy snow within the last 100 years.