Southend Council’s new parking enforcement vehicle will be spotted around the town from today. 

Unlike previous schemes where CCTV was used to issue a ticket while the operator stroked his nipples simultaneously due to the sheer thrill of it all, the new vehicle will allow the local authority to maintain order in parking hotspots by blowing both the offending car, its occupants and everyone in a 50-metre radius to kingdom come.

The council’s head of parking enforcement and  revenue generation Niles Siyuenti told Southend News Network that he wants them all ‘dead.’

He added, ‘I want them all dead. Their families dead. Their dogs dead. All of them. Dead.’

’If you think you can just visit our town and encroach upon 2mm of zig-zags, think again.’