A 65-year-old man from Southend has SENSATIONALLY abandoned his attempt to mow the front lawn of his house in the middle of a FURIOUS RANT about how it is a complete and utter waste of time – his expletive-laden rampage included deranged insults towards his lawn, wife, lazy neighbours and possibly immigrants as well. 

Shortly after 10am, Morris Barage of North Road, Westcliff was seen halfway through what neighbours described as ‘his weekly Sunday lawn mowing and near-psychotic rant about modern Britain,’ and witnesses confirmed that he abandoned his front garden and cracked open a can of John Smith’s bitter. Nathan Frick lives opposite Mr Barage, and he said: ‘We have to put up with Morris and his descent into complete lunacy every bloody Sunday, but he really upped his game today. I’ve never seen him abandon his lawn completely, and after he got his drink he returned and started destroying his lawnmower with a sledgehammer before throwing the shattered plastic remains at the neighbourhood cat who he constantly accuses of looking at him ‘funny’ while washing his genitals. The man needs help, or locking up.’

We asked Mr Barage to explain his behaviour. He said: ‘I mow that b*stard every week, and all it ever does is grow back – I won’t stand for it anymore. No other bugger round here bothers with their front lawns anyway, and the people three doors down seem to think that an abandoned washing machine is some sort of outdoor feature. I don’t know why anyone is accusing me of ranting about immigrants – some of my family came over from the Isle of Wight when I was three.’