Campaigners and consumers have stepped up calls for Toberlone bars to return to their original design as a man from Southend has ended up in a critical condition after inserting one up his bottom – a friend of Jordan Clench (28) said that the ‘larger gaps between the triangles’ were an accident waiting to happen.

His friend Stuart Phincter added: ‘Jordan has many years of experience with Toblerones, Wagon Wheels and Curly Wurlys, but the new Toblerone design has left him with life-changing injuries.’

‘We will have more details when the x-rays come back, but at the moment we are 95% sure that one of the newly-exposed triangles has become snagged on a vital organ in his digestive system. He has been unresponsive since the incident.’

‘With the old Toblerones, their almost friction-free design was able to come and go as it pleased – the makers at Mondelez have a lot to answer for now as they know full well that ‘non-oral’ is the second most popular form of Toblerone consumption. It’s like putting crinkle cuts into the roof of Lewis Hamilton’s Formula 1 car.’

Nathan De La Ramb is a Toblerone historian from the University of Zurich, and he told Southend News Network that this was a ‘dark time’ for Swiss chocolate. 

He added: ‘We wish Mr Clench a very speedy recovery and our thoughts are with him and his family at this difficult time.’

‘I want to assure consumers that duty-free stores around the world still have the hard to obtain Toblerone sizes in the old design for the more discerning traveller.’

In the wake of Mr Clench’s injury, a representative of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) has called for ‘extreme caution’ when trying to use confectionary for non-oral sexual purposes. 

An advisory email this morning also warned against the latest craze of ‘honeycombing’ – this is the potentially deadly practice of trying to stimulate the male prostate gland with a packet of Maltesers.