A spokesperson for UK Post Offices Ltd has announced that three Post Offices within Southend On Sea are going to be the first in the country to trial a JUST DO STUFF AND GET OUT queue – it is hoped that the pilot scheme will help to reduce waiting times in Post Offices by around 20%. The trial has been developed after a recent survey of 20,000 Post Office customers showed that there is a huge demand for being able to just do stuff in a Post Office and get out without getting stuck behind some b*stard sending 423 eBay parcels to a variety of destinations, including places that need that silly little customs sticker to be filled in while lying through your back teeth about the contents being ‘gifts or promotional items worth less than £5.’

UK Post Offices Ltd Chairman Sir Humphrey Humphrey said: ‘We are delighted to be trialling this new scheme in Southend On Sea, and we have chosen the three sites in this area that have the highest weekly rate of eBay postage-related queue assaults. Last week, a customer in a branch picked up the heavy plastic postage size and thickness guide and knocked an eBay trader unconscious with it after waiting for seven minutes to buy a stamp. There were also a separate incident last year where the little wet stamp sponge was used to choke a customer who was holding up the queue by not knowing if his parcel had any batteries in it – this sort of uncontrollable violence means that we have had to take action and improve the customer experience.’

Sir Humphrey added: ‘The JUST DO STUFF AND GET OUT QUEUE will be for customers who can hold their hand on their heart and say ‘this will literally just take a few seconds. It could be as simple and quick as buying a stamp, weighing a single item or topping up a prepayment meter key. Our staff will go through extensive training to recognise the signs of an ELT (an Extended Length Transaction) developing, and at this point they will be able to press a button and activate a shutter that comes down with a message to indicate that the transaction is over and they should move on and let someone else get served. Signs of an ELT include attempts at small talk or irrelevant conversation, phrases such as ‘while I am here,’ excessive fiddling with pieces of paper, a look of confusion when they are asked questions like ‘what is your name,’ or pretty much anyone over the age of 70. If customers continually abuse the JUST DO STUFF AND GET OUT QUEUE, we will reserve the right to bar them from the premises.’