An endangered Icelandic Mallard taking a dip in a pothole on Plumberow Avenue, Hockley. This pothole will now be a protected habitat that cannot be repaired for 'at least 25 years.'

Our team of investigative journalists have learnt that all potholes in Southend will remain untouched for the next SIX YEARS, according to paperwork that has been EXCLUSIVELY stolen from local government offices – it has been noted that leaving all potholes untouched in Southend until 2021 will reduce average speeds to 11 mph in the borough. Therefore, an application has been made to the UK Highways Authority for potholes to be reclassified as Inverted Speed Bumps within the borough of Southend, and it is hoped that accidents will be reduced to ‘near zero levels.’

We spoke to an inside government source who confirmed that the document was genuine. He added, ‘We are hoping for a very cold winter this year, as this will make the tarmac incredibly weak and brittle. One van too many and tyres will go through it like a flake through a Rossi’s.’ He added, ‘To try and soften the blow for hard-pressed local motorists, we have negotiated with Rubber Johnny’s Tyre Centre in Rochford to offer all Southend residents a 50% discount on single tyres over £500. There will also be additional financial incentives for residents who create their own potholes, with an extra bonus when they are installed outside schools.’

In another late development, Southend News Network has also discovered that Shared Potholes will be created along the seafront between The Kursaal and Southend Pier. These will be classed as Shared Inverted Speed Bumps in March 2016, and they will slow down both vehicles and pedestrians.

In an even later development, a giant pothole at the junction of Plumberow Avenue and Lower Road near Hullbridge will not be repaired for ‘at least 25 years’ after an endangered Icelandic Mallard was seen taking a dip during heavy rain – as a protected species this has now been classified as its natural habitat.