A spokesperson for Southend on Sea Town Council has confirmed that the entire town will be abandoned due to the damage from Storm Ciara running into ‘trillions of pounds.’

Plans have now been put in place to remove all residents over the next week, and then just allow the Thames to reclaim the land and turn the area between Shoeburyness and Leigh On Sea into some sort of wetland bird sanctuary.

Oliver Siyouenti is Head of Disaster and Hand Relief at the council, and he told us that the entire borough is ‘essentially bollocksed.’

He added, ‘At first we thought it was just the roof of the Cliffs Pavilion coming off a bit and a couple of trees falling over, but local media coverage reached the same sort of level as Planet Earth being hit by a whole bunch of asteroids and this convinced us that it was all far, far worse.’

It is thought that the estimate of repair work running into ‘trillions’ is made up of £2,000 for the roof, with the remainder of the balance coming from the cost to replace a bolt on the pier that is only manufactured by a tribe of goat herders in the Himalayan mountains.

In a late development, it has also emerged that the ‘reclaimed land for wetland bird sanctuary’ plan may be shelved in favour of flats.