It has been confirmed that Southern Rail rough sleeper drenchings are now more reliable than Southern Rail trains.

The news was confirmed by a group of passengers today at Brighton Station who have been waiting for a train to London Victoria since 1974.

One said, ‘They have problems getting trains manned by enough staff, but as soon as some poor bastard lies down on the platform they crawl out of the ballast with buckets of their patented ‘Bum Be Gone’ solution.’

‘Apparently it burns worse than their last round of fare increases.’

A source within Southern Rail said, ‘We have reviewed the footage, and it’s clear that our staff mistook the gentleman for a drain grille.’

‘Anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly wrong. You can’t trust everything that you see on Facebook, even stuff that is blatantly fucking obvious.’

A spokesperson for Greater Anglia expressed solidarity with their Southern Rail counterparts.

He said, ‘While we wouldn’t have used water, we would have simply closed the line for thirty years for emergency rough sleeper removal works.’