In a touching ceremony this morning, contractors working on Tottenham Hotspur’s new stadium added the number of trophies that they have won in the last ten years to the main entrance. 

According to a source within the club, tour visitors will also be able to access a special room to view their vast collection of Applied Pressure Shields.

He added, ‘We’re just keen to avoid the Arsenal trap of spunking a gazillion pounds on a new stadium and then fucking off into honour obscurity.’

’Luckily we’ve already cut out the middleman.’

The ten-minute ceremony will be available on DVD from 1st August, with a bonus commentary track from Adel Taraabt.

In other news, the opening of the new stadium may be delayed for a few months more after it emerged that the club didn’t apply for the correct planning permission for the new ground.

According to documents that we have seen, there is only legal provision in place for a 24-seater Chinese restaurant.