‘Loyal groundsman of 27 years loses job because match is called off due to frozen pitch even though it’s been f*cking freezing every night for the week beforehand.’ This may sound like a headline from a fake news website, but unfortunately it isn’t.

A statement has been released by Southend United Football Club to confirm that they have ‘parted company’ (that’s corporate w*nk-speak for ‘fired his ass’) with their head groundsman after 27 years of loyal service. This all seems to have happened after the pitch at Roots Hall was frozen on Saturday 21st January, which meant that the match against Bolton Wanderers had to be called off.

Maybe there was a long line of mishaps leading up to Uncle Ron’s big decision, or maybe not. The line in the official statement from the club was ‘People generally lose their position as a result of not doing their job,’ and this all sounds a bit suspect.

Anyone who goes to Roots Hall on a regular basis will have noticed that the pitch always looks immaculate or at least very good, which in many ways is nothing short of a miracle when you look at the absolute car wreck surrounding it from the cattle sheds of the West Stand to the double-decker dwarf-like Meccano South Stand that is overshadowed by an even more ridiculous set of apartments.

Here’s a question then. If ‘People generally lose their position as a result of not doing their job,’ when will Ron Martin’s position become threatened for the repeated non-delivery of a new stadium? Everyone knows that Fossett’s Farm is currently at the ‘final planning stage that has overcome the final hurdle that will never be repeated as it is the ultimate preceding step before a brick is laid bollocks to Sainsburys stage.’

When will the lack of this fairytale new development lead to Mr Martin leaving that weird Portakabin bolt-on that currently sits on top of the East Stand at Roots Hall?

You CAN’T stop the weather! If it is cold, pitches will freeze. If you put covers down, it may help, but it may have escaped everyone’s attention that it’s been brass f*cking monkeys practically every night for the past week. It wasn’t just a South Essex problem either, but you don’t see groundspeople all over the land getting their P45s this week, do you?

This line raised a chuckle as well: ‘People have been dismissed at this football club over the past 20 years and that even extends to managers.’ We know that. Giving Paul Sturrock the boot didn’t leave a nasty taste at all, did it?’