A spokesperson for the retailer Marks and Spencer has apologised after their Southend High Street was closed on Saturday afternoon due to what has been described as a group of STONED PENSIONERS going on a two-hour rampage around their Food Hall. 

According to witnesses, a party of ten elderly customers walked through the entrance to their rear of the building just after 3pm while talking ‘gibberish’ – one onlooker even described having to seek cover as they approached him with ‘terrifying bloodshot eyes.’

Charlie Jones, who was shopping with his two young children Tobias and Mercutio, added: ‘They were barely able to walk straight as they bundled in through the entrance. I think I heard one of them scream ‘where are the f**king pretzels’ and there was a terrible weed smell that lingered around them.’

‘They found the bakery counter and just started throwing goods everywhere – one of them trod on a doughnut and the jam flew out and blinded a passing guide dog who pulled his handler head-first into a chest freezer. I have never seen anything like it in my life.’

‘Once they had located the pretzels, they just sat on the floor and started devouring them like a pack of wild animals. They asked a stunned store worker where the fizzy orange was kept, and when he told them that they had sold out things got really nasty.’

‘Four of them had walking sticks, and they just started smashing everything in sight. At this stage, the manager evacuated the store and locked the doors for everyone’s safety.’

A police officer at the scene said: ‘In hindsight, locking them inside wasn’t the smartest move. As we were dealing with a number of public disorder incidents on the seafront, we were unable to reach Marks and Spencer for a further two hours.’

‘By the time we got into the building, the Food Hall was in a terrible state, and some of them had built a makeshift volleyball court out of hosiery upstairs. What my officers found in the lift will haunt them until the day they die.’

‘It turns out that they were on an organised excursion from Romford for the day, and when we caught up with the coach driver he told us that he had seen them passing around some chocolate brownies that one of their nephews had made them especially.’