Police in Southend On Sea have announced that an emergency curfew may have to be imposed this evening after a homeowner was caught giving out POT BROWNIES to local children who were trick or treating. 

According to a statement, a homeowner in Fairfax Drive was arrested shortly after 6pm on Tuesday evening, with police unsure about how many children had already been affected.

One neighbour said: ‘It’s madness. One five year old girl with glazed eyes knocked on my door, and when I answered she just sniffed heavily, barged past me and screamed ‘WHERE ARE THE FUCKING QUAVERS FATTY?’

’She helped herself to a six-pack of Orange Tango, fell over my cat, apologised to my copy of the Yellow Pages and left.’

’As I looked out into the street, a little boy was killing himself laughing while counting the lines on my wheelie bin.’

’All of a sudden his mood changed and he yelled something incoherent at a gnome.’

‘I think it might have been anti-Semitic or something.’

’That’s when I realised that something wasn’t right.’

Community PC Ernest Peacie said: ‘We have received a number of calls this evening from concerned members of the public, and officers are patrolling the area after an arrest was made.’

’We have set up a temporary holding facility in the Offtitz Polish Community Centre on Fairfax Drive, and parents can collect any children who have been taken there after showing signs that they may have consumed a bifter in cocoa form.’

’If you accept baked goods from a homeowner tonight, please ask to see Health and Safety certification first.’