A statement from the Essex Weather Operations Centre has confirmed that Storm Angus will bring more than THREE FEET OF SNOW to South Essex overnight. 

Reginald Neige of EWOC told our Chief Reporter that a front of cold air is due to hit another front of cold air in the skies above Essex – the result will be a phenomenon called ‘super cold air’ that hasn’t been seen in the UK since 1743. 

He added: ‘We have predicted that more than three feet of snow will fall, although it can be difficult to measure because essentially it is a frozen liquid.’

‘Our specialist snow measuring equipment is too big to use outdoors, and so by the time we have picked up a few buckets of snow to measure and taken it inside it has all melted.’

‘We simply don’t have the time to freeze it all again so we just say ‘three feet’ normally.’

‘In many ways it all depends how we lay it out. If we can roll it any thinner we could even get six or ten feet of snow.’

‘If we had to give an exact possibility of snow falling tonight, it would be 50% – it will either snow or it won’t.’

‘Our advice to the public is to remain calm and avoid doing anything overly irrational. It may be a good idea to take a trolley into Tesco and empty the shelves of all conceivable forms of nutrition just in case you can’t get to the shops for a day or two.’

We asked Southend Borough Council to address rumours that grit levels had reached an all time low, and a spokesperson confirmed that backup supplies of determination are healthy enough to last for the whole winter.