A spokesperson for Theresa May has confirmed that a suspect has been identified in the case of an ex-Russian spy who was poisoned with a nerve agent in Salisbury last week.

In a statement from 10 Downing Street, it was also made clear that the suspect was accompanied by a ‘bespectacled accomplice’ using a laptop computer.

The press release said, ‘We have analysed a large amount of forensic evidence from the scene, and combined it with CCTV footage from the branch of Zizzi.’

‘Shortly before the incident took place, an operative with a thick Russian accent can be heard making a blunt one-word declaration about how difficult the proposed covert operation will be.’

‘This is followed by an inaudible squeak.’

‘Once the suspect leaves the scene, he is observed approaching members of the public and asking them if they have adequate cover for their homes and vehicles.’

‘From this, we can probably conclude that he is part of an organised crime racket as well.’

Reports from a source in MI6 have hinted that this isn’t the first time that the suspect has been witnessed engaging in suspicious activity on British soil.

One leaked email said, ‘Suspect has been spotted before in a vicious street fight with a large, moustachioed man in a dinner suit.’

‘It is thought that the pre-meditated attack happened shortly after the victim burst into song.’

Until today, the chief suspect had been a small arms dealer from East London known to his friends as ‘Boris.’


Intelligence files have indicated that he may have been open to carrying out Kremlin tasks on foreign soil to make fast money to cover gambling debts.

However, surveillance has now concluded that he was carrying out other business in a local pawn shop at the time of the attack.