We all have ‘that’ Facebook friend don’t we? The one who is only able to communicate using images of a barefoot woman on a beach somewhere with barely relevant text about how we are all ‘the wind that blows’ and that we should all remember this when we encounter people who are draining our very life force through negativity.

Here’s a newsflash, hun. Every single one of your inspirational quote memes inspire me alright.

They inspire me to remove my eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon just so I am never again burdened with your passive-aggressive attempts to express your feelings on Facebook cryptically because you can’t just come out, say what’s on your mind and name names. Too many snakes around here, remember?

‘You know who you are.’ No, I don’t. Enlighten me won’t you. The suspense is killing me and I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I have received cast iron confirmation regarding whether or not I am in some way responsible for your fifteenth meltdown and Facebook forever rage quit this week.

Why do you come on Facebook every day thinking that you are Mahatma fucking Gandhi or something.

I don’t come on here to be educated. I don’t come on here to be spiritually nourished in order to align my internal chakras. I don’t come on here to see you declare who your ‘besties’ are with a vomit-inducing level of arse kissing. I don’t come on here to see you misquote Winston Churchill to somehow justify halting all immigration into the United Kingdom.

I come on here for cat videos, quizzes about what flavour Pringle I am, and photos to save in the ol’ spank bank.

If you want to try and change my life for the better through the medium of inspirational quote posting, start your own fortune cookie business or something and get the hell off my Facebook.

Please take a moment to follow the author on Facebook here because they have screwed around with the news feed algorithm lately and the only organic reach we get these days is having a cheeky five-knuckle shuffle in Holland and Barrett.