Here’s our gammon’s guide to why everyone in England should hate Sweden to help you prepare for our World Cup quarter-final against the bastards on Saturday.

Unlike our previous opponents Colombia with their easy targets of gun crime and cocaine, the Scandinavian nation could prove tricky for the hardened gammon with their distinct lack of native brown people, a history of not having opposed Great Britain in the Second World War, and the fact that their most exciting player of all time and a devout Muslim isn’t there.

However, our researchers have found a few pointers to help satisfy your jingoistic bloodlust.

Volvo cars

Why use one lane of the motorway when you can use them all, right? Anyone who owned one in the 1980’s will know that it was pretty much like owning a tank, so thanks for damaging the ozone layer. Pricks.

IKEA

Every proud Englishman should boycott the furniture store for the foreseeable future. Nothing to do with the Swedes, but if you head down there today for a Fänifläp dining room table you’ll still be wandering around the ground floor trying to find fucking package 4 of 6 when it kicks off on Saturday afternoon.

ABBA

Spotify should disable every ABBA track in the United Kingdom until Sunday morning at the very least. All that inter-band marriage as well. Made Rod, Jane and Freddy look like The Carpenters. Wasn’t Frida’s dad a Nazi soldier or something? That’s double gammon points right there.

Porn

Chuck anything with 18-year-old blonde students from Gothenburg in the bin immediately and switch to something more patriotic like 50+ Essex Wives. If you can persevere with Brentwood Brenda and her ‘yawning hippo,’ you can pretty much persevere with anything.

Saab cars 

Show me one Saab owner who isn’t a pretentious Waitrose-shopping, Daily Mail-worshipping Hyacinth Bucket. More to the point, spell ‘Saab’ backwards and it sounds like a large group of sheep.

Dolph Lundgren

That c*nt killed Apollo Creed and he didn’t even care, the juiced-up cossack bastard.

Ace Of Base

What a bitch. If she doesn’t get another baby she’ll be gone tomorrow? This stuff takes time – some people end up trying for years and have a gruelling course of treatment and investigations including nutting into a cup and all sorts.

Ericsson  

All I wanted when I was in school was that Nokia from The Matrix, but it wasn’t to be. Fuck you and your industry-leading colour display and array of engaging games – the keypad isn’t hidden behind a chunk of plastic that will automatically fly across the room after the 500th attempt.

Smörgåsbord  

There’s a word for this – ‘lazy.’ Try eating one of these bastards with one hand and you’ll end up being forced to lick off the topping before folding the soggy wreck of a slice of bread into some sort of sopping calzone. Is it really too much effort to put one more piece on top? Herring repeats on me as well.

A-HA

To be fair, one of the cornerstones of gammonry is a ‘less than informed’ level of geographical awareness, so anything Scandinavian is probably fair game. Germany is next to Denmark as well if you all get really stuck.