As it has now been confirmed that there will be a vote in Parliament tonight about having a second referendum on Brexit, we have put together this easy to follow guide for raging gammon’s about how not to suffer blood pressure-related health complications in the event that the motion is approved.
First of all, it is very important to remain calm at all times, and it is even more important to recognise the early warning signs of trouble in the moments after the vote result is announced.
If you are watching it all unfold live on TV, be sure to sit in front of a mirror so that you can assess your level of facial pinkness. As a rule of thumb, anything darker than ‘salmon’ is the point where you may wish to consider taking a couple of aspirin.
A mirror is also handy for spotting any protruding forehead veins. Again, the time for intervention is when the upper part of your face looks like an RAC map of the Outer Hebrides.
In the event that the result doesn’t go as you would have hoped, those first few moments are critical. Beyond that, it is essential to pick and choose your desired Facebook groups for debate very carefully.
To try and minimise further anxiety, try and discuss the matter in a reasoned and informed manner in areas where the majority of profile pictures have Crosses Of St. George or badly-composed statements about how all of this could be avoided if Her Majesty The Queen invokes some little-known section of the Magna Carta.
Facebook groups where the majority of people simply use their own face as a profile image will probably lack the level of Caps Lock thumping apoplexy that you are looking for.
Finally, good nutrition is an absolute must, and one popular way of unwinding is to have a nice cold beer and let the taste remind you of the England that you know and love. A few tins of Stella should do the trick.