Mercedes E Class Coupe

Congratulations on your purchase of a Mercedes Benz! We all know that your decision was mainly influenced by Daimler-Benz and their admitted links with the Nazi regime, but did you know that this ‘move aside, coming through’ attitude doesn’t just have to apply when you are driving around?

You can apply a special touch of absolute pig-headed arrogance when you park as well.

We all know the feeling when you arrive at the supermarket and notice that the parking spaces are barely big enough for one normal car, let alone your supreme feat of both automative engineering and human achievement.

What if someone ‘dinks’ your pride and joy? Simply park your ‘Auto’ like someone going for roulette odds of 9/1 and everyone’s happy.

Street parking can also be a nightmare, but with a little bit of practice you can quickly calculate exactly where you need to park to ensure that not even a Smart Car (ironically) can worm its way in front or behind.

Indeed, some of the newer SLK models even have Automatic Bellend Parking Assist, where at the touch of a button your on-board computer will gently manoeuvre your vehicle into the most inconsiderate parking position imaginable.

You just control the accelerator and the brake, although to be fair if that three-year-old toddler steps out in front of you it’s the parents’ fault.

In any case, that gaping chasm of space to your rear may come in handy if you end up purchasing that reclaimed, repurposed, shabby chic, preloved grandfather clock for three grand from ‘We Saw You Coming Mate’ on The Broadway in Leigh On Sea.

This seaside Essex town is the spiritual home of asshole parking enthusiasts, with millions of people from all over the world flocking there every year for the annual Festival Of Mercedes Owners Who Have Convinced Themselves That They Are Driving 20-ton Juggernauts.