The Prime Minister Theresa May has confirmed that the bakery retail chain Greggs will be nationalised as soon as the United Kingdom leaves the European Union in March 2019.
According to Tory sources, the decision has been taken because the pasty and pie emporium is the last remaining profitable business in the United Kingdom (Wetherspoons entire 2017 profits have been eaten up through jingoistic beer mat production), and senior Labour Party members have accused Mrs May of stealing the idea directly from Jeremy Corbyn’s last manifesto.
Speaking to journalists while pulling the cherry off a Belgian Bun (soon to be renamed Basildon Bun) outside their Southend On Sea branch, she said, ‘If Greggs decided to relocate their 128,000 UK stores to the European Union because of some silly reason like a weak pound or a dropped level of consumer confidence, we have predicted that the entire nation would go into administration.’
‘The increased average life expectancy would also place a huge extra burden on our Health Service.’
‘So while Mr Corbyn and his cronies are busy banging on about nationalising the railways, the Conservative Party is committed to acting in the best interests of the British people and stopping Gregxit.’
‘We may even get round to nationalising the NHS before the next General Election. Maybe.’
We asked a retail insider what the move would mean in real terms.
Professor Swissroll Sanchez of the University of Harrogate said, ‘A large sliced Danish would immediately drop to around 13p per loaf, but this would be financed by abolishing Universal Credit.’
‘A small number of ex-Bakers Oven branches may decide to break away as per their rights under the Unification Treaty of Twickenham, but they would be priced out of the marketplace immediately due to a lack of public subsidy, and many people fear that this could lead to a repeat of ‘The Troubles’ in the early 1990’s.’
‘There are still a number of in-store bakers who have to work in balaclavas.’