In a bizarre development in Westminster this evening, the under-pressure Prime Minister Theresa May has hired a marching band to play Abide With Me.

Mrs May was seen rocking back and forth in a leather armchair close to the main entrance of the House of Commons, while clutching a copy of her Brexit deal and muttering to herself, ‘Don’t worry. Mummy still loves you very much.’

A witness said, ‘I thought it was bad when Gazza turned up with the fried chicken and a fishing rod the other day, but things just took a turn for the worse.’

Another Westminster insider has said that the majority of MPs are preparing to back Mrs May no matter what happens in the coming days.

Tory MP for Flange West Ian Ringpiece said, ‘I don’t want to risk Jeremy Corbyn getting in.’

‘I saw a meme. It must have been trustworthy as it was a screenshot of someone else posting it with their battery percentage and mobile network clearly visible.’

‘How dare he walk in front of an IRA funeral procession wearing a t-shirt saying ‘I love the IRA.’