The Prime Minister Theresa May has been criticised today for mistakenly believing that ‘knife crime’ is being overcharged for a set of cutlery in Debenhams. 

Speaking to MPs in the House of Commons, Mrs May said that that was ‘absolutely no link’ between police numbers being cut and middle-class pensioners paying way over the odds for something by Jean Patrique.

She added, ‘It is propostrous to think that unscrupulous merchandisers wouldn’t illegally mark up prices if there were more officers around.’

‘Everyone knows that criminals will always do the same of criming regardless of whether or not they think they will get caught.’

Meanwhile, it was confirmed today that a further 500,000 officers will be drafted into the Metropolitan Police’s ‘Mean Tweet Unit.’

One officer said, ‘This is great news. I would much rather be sat behind a desk looking for butthurt social media feelings than stopping scumbags on the streets.’