Every day, it seems that there is some glossy photo spread in the media or online about the latest celebrity mum who has managed to get her pre-baby figure back within five minutes of knocking out little Petunia-Sesame or whoever, and it really is absolute bollocks.

While everyday mums would love the chance to hand over their precious little bundle for six hours a day to their below-minimum wage Bulgarian au pair while they have a ‘vigorous workout’ followed by a cocktail of supplements that wouldn’t look out of place in front of a Grand National winner, fat-dissolving laser treatments and Christ knows what else, in the real world most new mothers have bigger fish to fry.

The papers seem to miss out the obvious part of the headline every time.

‘X is looking SENSATIONAL just four weeks after giving birth’ should actually read ‘X is looking SENSATIONAL just four weeks after birth so what the fuck are you doing sitting there stuffing your face full of Maltesers while simultaneously breastfeeding you lazy cow.’

Does society really think that a four-week old baby is going to notice abdominals?

Will he or she be sitting and talking to a psychotherapist in twenty years time and recalling repressed memories of mummy having a slight tum overhang that left him or her unable to stomach their latest bottle of Aptamil?

Nope. Not a chance.

If the ‘mum tum’ is a bouncy cushion or something you could use to grate cheese, they will still be eating, shitting, pissing and sleeping regardless, so we just need to get the fuck over it.