The Conservative MP for Haltemprice Alan B’Stard has announced that he has defected to the newly-formed Independent Group.

In a press conference, he sat next to a visibly shaken Piers Fletcher-Dervish and told reporters that he had suddenly realised how much of a massive centrist he is.

He said, ‘Let’s be honest. There’s some top middle-ground crumpet in this set up as well.’

‘Theresa was getting a bit anal for my taste as well, wanting to see ‘receipts for this donation’ and ‘paperwork for that Saudi arms deal.’

‘I am delighted to be representing the views of my constituency, wherever that is. Up North somewhere I think. Ghastly place.’

It is thought that a whole raft of MPs are now set to jump ship.

According to rumours, the elected representative for Staines Mr Alistair G is expected to make an announcement this afternoon.