Residents and business owners in Southend On Sea have admitted that they are ‘delighted’ after it was announced that the COKE LORRY has been scheduled to visit the town centre on December 15th. 

According to a spokesperson for organisers Boogerblow International, the South Essex town has been added to this year’s calendar after bosses were ‘incredibly impressed’ with recent narcotics sales figures for the area – there was originally concern that Brexit would lead to a decline in the general public wanting to get off their tits.

Local mum of three Charlene Scott told our Chief Reporter that the event was a ‘massive opportunity’ for her three children, and she admitted that Southend’s omission in previous years had left them all feeling disappointed.

She said: ‘My three and five year old have been begging me to let them have a couple of lines for ages now, and my oldest is just getting to that age when he is thinking about his future.’

‘He went to a recent Pusher Careers Fair in Chelmsford and there were so many stalls there that he couldn’t decide between a meth lab apprenticeship or an old-fashioned role in cross-border rectal concealment.’

‘Seeing the Coke Truck will hopefully inspire him to make the right choice.’

Local dentist Malcolm Root has welcomed the event, and he told us that he is expecting a huge rise in business shortly after the truck has left Southend.

He said: ‘Towns that have been graced with the Coke Truck’s presence have seen a 900% rise in cases being reported where people have been unable to feel their own teeth. I am expecting a very busy few days in the run up to Christmas.’

South Essex Police have confirmed that there will be an ‘increased presence’ in the High Street area on the big day.

Sgt. Barry Argent of SEP’s Recreational Class A Events Team said: ‘We are keen to avoid a repeat of last year’s scenes when the truck visited Basildon and ended up on bricks outside Sports Direct.’

‘My worst memory of the evening was having a seven-hour conversation with a six-year-old girl by the bus station. I’m buggered if I know what she was talking about.’