Residents and business owners in Southend have admitted that they are ‘shocked to the very core’ after a new coffee shop was added to Southend High Street. Retail experts have estimated that it is the first new hot beverage retailer to open it’s doors in the UK since eleven seconds ago. 

Colin Spooge is chairperson of the Southend Commercial Improvement Destination (SCID), and he told Southend News Network that he only recommended approval for new coffee shop Mangobean because he was concerned about the High Street becoming ‘overrun’ with phone case shops and shops for vapists. 

He added: ‘I was privileged to sit on the Southend Borough Council Planning Committee for the latest round of coffee shop approvals in the town, and I can confirm that the acceptance criteria were incredibly stringent.’

‘First of all, the applicant had to prove that there were no other coffee shops within a 2m radius of the proposed front door, and then he also needed to demonstrate to the panel that he was capable of respiration – thankfully he managed to pass this stage with flying colours.’

‘There was another application from an individual who wanted to open a small tea room and coffee shop with a unique business model where they pay a pre-determined proportion of their overall profits as tax on an annual basis – oh how we all laughed. Costa wanted to install another outdoor area which was naturally declined so that it could all go ahead.’

‘Paperwork aside, I feel that the town centre with be significantly improved by this new coffee shop. As it stands right now, people wanting a hot beverage are limited to only Costa, Starbucks, Caffè Nero, easyCoffee, Muffin Break, Pâtisserie Valérie, Greggs, Cafe Utopia, and all of the other places that sell coffee as well.’

Local resident Patricia Soulwreck said that the site of a new coffee shop opening on the High Street was so mind-bogglingly flabbergastworthy that she literally collapsed. 

She said: ‘When I saw Mangobean putting the finishing touches to their new store I could feel myself going dizzy from the whole unexpectedness of it all.’

‘Apparently I stumbled backwards straight into Costa and had a cup of tea to deal with the shock. They have 432 different kinds in there you know.’