A spokesperson for the NHS Union of Paramedics has confirmed that a trial is about to begin where 100 ambulances across the United Kingdom will be fitted with a rack of automatic weapons to try and combat a rise in aggression and assaults on paramedics.

Tobias Flump of the NHSUP feels that it is time for emergency medical staff to ‘pack heat.’

He added, ‘Full training will be provided, and to be honest if they do get aggy and end up with a cap in their ass they are pretty much in the right place.’

‘Those working in the Capital will also have laser cannons for obvious reasons.’

Michelle Garridge will be one of the first paramedics in Southend On Sea to be issued with a Bazooka, and she told our Chief Reporter that she felt ‘more confident’ when attending a scene of drunken brawlers looking like a cross between the blonde one off Casualty and Rambo.

She said, ‘I have adapted mine to fire canisters of insulin. This means that I can start dealing with severe diabetics three or four minutes before I fully arrive on scene.’