With the current snow warning status set to MAROON, Southend News Network will be keeping up to date with the latest school closures so that you can plan ahead. UPDATES HAVE NOW BEEN ADDED FOR FRIDAY 13TH JANUARY – CLICK HERE

Thursday 12th January – 3.30am: All schools are closed because it is the middle of the fucking night.

Thursday 12th January – 3.50am: Prittlewell High School is closed, and it has been for a number of years now.

Thursday 12th January – 4.30am: Hamster Junior School’s headteacher has confirmed that they will only open if the spinning wheels don’t freeze over.

Thursday 12th January – 6.25am: All schools remain closed, unless the caretaker is in ultra-early or someone is catching up with marking.

Thursday 12th January – 7.00am: No schools have officially said that they are closed yet, but Google continues to index this page because every pillock in Southend is clicking on it.

Thursday 12th January – 7.20am: A spokesperson for the Essex Primary Education Board has confirmed that guidance has been issued to local schools. According to the official document, a decision will need to be made once outdoor temperatures drop to a point where a teaching assistant’s nipples can be clearly seen through three layers of clothing.

A representative for Essex Council has also confirmed that all closures will be reported individually to local radio stations with a top-secret code word … which is ‘buttplug.’ UPDATES HAVE NOW BEEN ADDED FOR FRIDAY 13TH JANUARY – CLICK HERE